When And How To Hold Space For Avoidant Ex

You’re probably used to reading or hearing “give space” to avoidants, and know that it means “leave them alone” or “stop reaching out” or “go no contact”. So when you read or hear “hold space” for an avoidant, it’s natural to wonder what it means, and how you hold space for an avoidant.

What does “hold space” for someone mean?

Holding space and giving space are both about doing what makes the other person (avoidants in particular) feel safe, but “holding space” is a broader concept which includes but not always giving space.

The way I describe “holding space” is being present for someone in a way that you both feel comfortable with whatever is happening in that moment without judgement or needing to change it.

Holding pace is therefore all about “being present” and how you “show up” for someone which is different from giving space which is about “creating some distance” and “leaving them alone.”

Sometimes it is necessary to “leave someone alone” especially when dealing with avoidants who distance from others when they’re overwhelmed, or just need their own space. The problem is that for many, “give space” has become the solution to every relationship problem; something I personally find disturbing because many people are no longer doing the things that actually create a healthy and safe relationship.

For example, instead of learning and developing tools for better communication, most people just give an avoidant ex space for a few days, weeks or months, then reach out with a new awareness and a few insights into an avoidant ex’s attachment style, but no new tools for how to communicate better.

Some people even think all it takes to be in a relationship with an avoidant is “give them lots of space”. I’ve hard too many incidents where I’m giving a client advice on what they can do to create safety in the relationship so things can work better, and mid sentence they interrupt with “I think I’ll just give him space”. Followed with “How much space do you think I should give?”

Anyone can give anyone space, but it takes skill and practice to “hold space” for another person. I’ll even go further and say, it takes a certain level of emotional intelligence to know 1) when and how to hold space for another person and 2) when to hold space and when to give them space.

When to hold space for an avoidant and when to give them space

In my opinion, holding space should be the first step before giving an avoidant space. Like I said, most people rush to give an avoidant space without even knowing if an avoidant needs space. This is a big deal for fearful avoidants because to them, “Yes, I need space, thank you. But I also need you to know why, to understand what I’m going through and see that I matter?”.

It’s not that of a big deal when dealing with dismissive avoidants because dismissive avoidants will take any space you give them; “less time for you (and us), more time for me.” But even with dismissive avoidants, just giving them space without hearing them out or knowing if they need it can be felt as a form of control.

Holding space is when you suspend all the assumptions and projections, all the psychoanalyzing and therapy-talk, and all the need to “fix” or change someone or something, and be present for them in a way that not only validates and supports their experience, but also makes both of you feel comfortable sharing the experience.

The “feel comfortable sharing the experience” part is important because it’s not possible to hold space for someone when:

• You are feeling uncomfortable with what is happening in that moment. Because it’s uncomfortable for you, you will have a judgement about it and/or want to change it.
• Thinking the other person doesn’t care, is doing something wrong, is out to hurt you or has something fundamentally wrong with them because they’re not communicating the way you want them to.

In other words, when empathy, acceptance, understanding and support is what is needed in the moment, hold space and not give space. Give space only when an avoidant says they need space. For example, when an avoidant ex is:

1) Emotionally hurt or in emotional pain

Holding space is observing their experience without telling them how to feel, or change their experience. If they’re crying let them cry, if they want to rant let them rant. You can try to calm them down but let them feel their feelings and express themselves how they choose.

2) Struggling emotionally

Holding space is listening without quickly jumping to fix the problem, explaining their experience to them or justifying how they feel about it. You can be curious and ask questions but that’s not the important part, the important part is making sure that they know that whatever they’re struggling with is real and true to you as it is to them.

3) Emotionally withdrawn or shutdown

Holding space is allowing silence and quiet. Sometimes this means “leaving them alone” but sometimes holding space for someone who is emotionally withdrawn or shutdown means sitting with them silently without saying anything. Just let them know and feel you are there for them in the way that it comfortable for them. Sometimes, it means not monitoring how quickly they respond to a text and being okay with however long it takes them to respond.

4) Emotionally burnt out

Holding space is keeping things light-hearted and fun while they ‘recover” from feeling emotionally burned out. It’s having more laughs than more “relationship talk”, and if they’re in a light-hearted and fun mood, not getting angry that they’re acting like everything is normal and/or trying to change the mood with “deep issues talk”, but instead allowing whatever is happening in that moment without judgement or needing to change it.

When you learn to hold space for others, you suddenly realize that relationships are not all that hard actually. What feels like “relationships are hard work” is you unable to be present without judgement or needing to change something.

And when you hold space for an avoidant, they become more comfortable being vulnerable and emotionally open in ways that you never expected.