Most people know me as the coach who doesn’t advice no contact or the coach who encourages exes to stay friends and slowly work towards getting back together. I get a lot of negative attention for my “not so popular” views and approach on how to get back with an avoidant ex. And every once in a while, someone asks me “what is your success rate for people who get back with their ex?”
I talk to 8 – 10 clients in one single day, and my success rate over the years has shown the percentage to be at roughly 70 – 75 percent.
A success rate of 70-75% doesn’t look like much but considering that credible independent studies estimates the percentage of exes who got back together as roughly 35-50 percent, 70-75% is actually pretty impressive especially given the fact that of the 70-75% of my clients who got back their ex, about 90 – 95 % got back together and stayed together. One reason for this is that my goal is not just to get your ex back, my goal is for you to stay together. There is no point is working so hard to get back together not to mention spending hundreds of dollars just to get back together and break up again. I want all the work we both put in together and the money you spent to mean something and be worth it.
I suspect my success rate is much higher but I’m not going to exaggerate numbers just to impress you. The reason I say my success rate could be together is because some clients don’t write back to tell me they got back together with their ex. Some of them don’t want to jinx the relationship and others want their privacy (rightfully so). I’ve had clients come back 5 -15 years later to tell me they got back their ex (thanks to my advice), and some even got married, had kids and divorced. They were seeing someone new, they broke up, and they need my help again because my advice worked the last time.
There may already be things working in your favour
It’s true that sometimes a break-up is an ex’s indirect way of saying they don’t want you in their life anymore or that you are not worth their time, effort, or emotions, and they’re completely don-done. No amount of begging for second chances, days of no contact, pressure-free reach outs, written apologies, self-reflection, nostalgic memories or even working on yourself will change their mind or heart.
In my experience however, when someone breaks up with you, they are not necessarily saying they don’t want you in their life anymore. They’re saying the relationship is not working for them and they don’t want to be in it anymore. They may not say in words that “I don’t want the relationship but I still want you” but they say it in their actions.
- They say it when they end the relationship but still want you in their life.
- They say it when they say, “I love you (as a person), but I’m not in love with you (but I don’t feel excited about us together anymore)”.
- They say it when they say “I’m not saying I want to get back together, but I’m not ruling it out either”.
- They say it when they say “I don’t want a relationship right now, let’s take things slow and see what happens.”
These are no guarantees that your ex will come back, but good indicators that there are things working in your favour including:
1) There are still lingering feelings – They strongly feel that there are still feelings and think they may be open t trying things again at some point or if they see a change in your dynamic.
2) Your ex is undecided – You’re dealing with an avoidant ex (most likely a fearful avoidant) who ended the relationship but not completely sure they made the right decision. They’re not sure if a relationship can work but also not completely ruling out all possibilities.
3) A strong foundation – The relationship was on most part good and you treated each other relatively well (no abuse or toxicity), the relationship just didn’t work out. This means that there is a strong foundation to build a new relationship on.
4) You don’t mind being friends – They still care about you and you have shown them that you still want them in your life in whatever capacity (even as a friend). The willingness to be friends for now and see where things go from there creates some level of emotional safety.
5) Going no contact doesn’t feel right – There is just something about cutting off all contact with your ex that doesn’t sit right with you (call it a gut feeling or ). What feels right for you is staying in contact and keeping the lines of communication open but at the same time give yourselves time and space to heal and self-reflect.
6) Avoidant ex hasn’t moved on – Avoidants generally move on fast after the break-up, and fearful avoidants within 1- 3 months of the breakup when they lean anxious, but if they’re telling you they’re not seeing anyone, it’s because an avoidant ex wants you to know they haven’t moved on fast.
The fact that your ex still wants you in their life may actually be a good thing
It can be confusing when your ex breaks up with you but still wants you in their life. It sometimes feels like they’re eating their cake and having it too, and in some cases they are. Sometimes exes still want you in their life to avoid the pain of a break-up (use you to get over you), until they find someone new, to keep tabs on you and who your dating, etc. A lot depends on the type of person your ex is and the kind of relationship you had.
If you genuinely believe your ex is the type of person to keep you in their life for selfish reasons, then maybe you shouldn’t be trying to get them back. The voice in your head could be reminding you of what kind of person your ex is and warning you not to rely on your feelings alone. Listen to yourself.
But if you know in your gut (and from experience) that your ex is not that kind of person – although the relationship didn’t work out, they treated you with respect and genuinely loved you – as confusing and even difficult it is to be in your ex’s life after a break-up, an avoidant ex still wanting you in their life isn’t always a bad thing. It may actually be a really good thing that they’re not ready to let you out of their life.
It means that your avoidant ex understands that the relationship didn’t work out, but you are still an important and valuable part of their life they’re not ready to let go. It’s even possible that your avoidant ex misses who they were when the relationship was good and wish things could go back to being good; but they don’t know how or even if it’s possible. They keep you in their life hoping that maybe, just maybe something will “click” and things will go back to the good times. Maybe they’re not as self aware and just know that the relationship didn’t work out, and hope that without the pressure of being in a relationship and even constantly trying to fix it, it can work again.
Make the most of the fact that your avoidant ex still wants you in their life
Instead of being upset that your ex ended a relationship that wasn’t working for them (and may have not been working for you too but you were too clingy to realize it or too needy to be able to let go first), and instead of being all negative about the fact that your avoidant ex is not ready to let you go, see if you can use the fact that they still want you in their life to show them that the relationship can work better, if they choose to give it another chance.
Being in each other’s life, not going no contact and keeping open lines of communication puts you many steps ahead in the process. We’re not starting from scratch with an ex who:
1) May not want to re-open the lines of communication after weeks or months of no contact.
2) Is angry that when they reached out (a few times) you ignored them and now ignoring you back to teach you a lesson.
3) Felt abandoned instead of understood (as to why they felt the relationship wasn’t working for them) and now can’t trust you again.
4) Has moved on with someone else and doesn’t want you reappearing from nowhere to mess up their new relationship.
We’re working with the already lines of communication to create a supportive and safe environment for an ex to want to come back. This is the key to my high success rate.
Open lines of communication rebuild connection, safety and trust little by little
Research consistently shows that the number one reason relationships end is failure to communicate or communicate effectively. No matter how well you think you know your ex and even love each other, the break-up changes you and changes your ex. Without open lines of communication, you’re working with lots of assumptions – and probably making things worse.
If you haven’t been in contact for a while, first you have to try to open up the lines of communication, which many people soon find it not as easy as the “no contact” advocates make it to be. Then there is pressure to make up for the time lost in no contact. Add to that the realty that while you were “away working on yourself”, your ex wasn’t sitting around on the couch binging on TV shows waiting for you to “become a better version of yourself” so you can get them back. Their lives didn’t stop with the break-up, and they met someone new and now the the better version of yourself has to compete for time, attention and energy with the new man or woman.
Open lines of communication may not be able to stop your ex from wanting to date others, but it sure gives you an advantage just by already being in your avoidant ex’s life and their lives rebuilding connection, safety and trust little by little.
90 – 95 % of my clients who get back together with their ex stay together
The other key to my success rate is that I don’t work with a one-size fits all “get your ex back program”.
Before signing up to work with me, some people ask me, “How do I sign up for your program” and I tell them, “I don’t have a get your ex back program”.
I don’t have anything against get your ex back programs. Maybe they work and may they don’t. I don’t know. I prefer to work one-on-one with my client, take time to really listen and get to know you, know your ex and understand your unique dynamic and then tailor my advice to your situation. I’ve found this gets the best and fastest results because my clients feel in control of the process, have a say in how they go about attracting back their ex and when they successfully get their ex back, they feel proud of themselves for the time, effort and work they put in. But most all, they feel confident they know how to make the relationship work, and can do it all on their own. They don’t need another program to maintain the relationship, they learned how create a safe and secure relationship that will last. This is is why about 90 – 95 % of my clients who get back together with their ex stay together.