Why You Became More Anxious with an Avoidant (Deep-Dive)

When you are new to attachment theory and read about avoidant attachment, you naturally conclude that you were secure and your avoidant ex made you anxious. After all, when the relationship first started, you felt “secure.” But as things progressed, you found yourself feeling more and more anxious. By the time the relationship ended, you were more anxious than you had ever been.

So the question is: Can an avoidant make a securely attached person become anxious?

The simple answer is yes and no — it depends on what type of secure attachment we are talking about.

There is felt security, earned security and continuous security. Understanding the difference between these three types of security is important.

1. Felt security

Felt security is what most people mean when they say “I was secure before an avoidant”.

Someone can feel secure in a relationship without having a securely attached style. This is because feeling secure is an emotional experience, while secure attachment is a consistent pattern of thoughts, behaviours, and relationship responses over time.

For example, someone with an anxious or avoidant attachment style may feel secure when a relationship is going well, their needs are being met, and their attachment system is not being activated. They may appear confident, trusting, and emotionally regulated during these periods.

However, when faced with uncertainty, conflict, emotional distance, or perceived rejection, their underlying attachment patterns become more obvious.

Felt security also means that you can feel secure in some relationships and anxious in others.

In other words, attachment styles are not neat little boxes that people fit into perfectly. Someone can experience moments of security without having developed a secure attachment style.

2. Continuous secure attachment

A continuous secure attachment refers to people who developed a secure attachment style from childhood. They generally grew up with caregivers who were consistently available, responsive, and emotionally supportive.

Because of these early experiences, they developed a stable internal working model of relationships. They tend to believe:

• They are worthy of love and care.
• Other people are generally reliable.
• Relationships can be safe and emotionally fulfilling.
• Conflict does not automatically mean rejection or abandonment.

A continuously secure person may still feel hurt, frustrated, or disappointed by an avoidant partner, but the security they developed in childhood acts as a buffer to avoidant or anxious patterns. It allows them to experience relationship difficulties without those difficulties becoming a threat to their overall sense of self, emotional stability and security.

In other words, they’re unlikely to become anxious because of an avoidant dynamic. In fact, research suggests the opposite. Studies consistently shows that long-term relationships with securely attached partners can help people with anxious or avoidant attachment become more positive about themselves, their partners, and their relationships. Over time, they may behave less according to their insecure attachment patterns.

3. Earned secure attachment

Earned secure attachment refers to people who started life with an insecure attachment style but became secure later through experiences such as:

• A long-term relationship with a securely attached person (sometimes called a secure base or attachment stabilizer).
• Therapy.
• Processing and overcoming childhood attachment wounds.

Earned secure individuals have essentially rebuilt their internal working models. They have learned healthier ways of processing attachment related-information, regulating emotions, and understanding themselves and others.

However, earned security does not mean the old attachment wounds disappear completely.

Many attachment researchers and trauma specialists suggest that people can become securely attached while still having certain emotional triggers connected to their past. The difference is that they now have:

• More awareness of their patterns.
• Better emotional regulation skills.
• Healthier coping strategies.
• The ability to recognize when old attachment fears are being activated.

Can an avoidant make someone with earned security anxious?

Yes, they can.

Earned secure person may feel secure in a relationship initially because they have developed healthier relationship patterns. They may also provide an avoidant partner with the safety and consistency they need to become more secure themselves.

However, the process is not always one-directional.

If an avoidant partner’s behaviours become increasingly painful — such as chronic emotional distancing, inconsistency, lack of communication, or repeated rejection — those behaviours can activate unresolved attachment wounds in an earned secure person.

This does not mean they have “lost” their secure attachment.

A person can still be securely attached while occasionally experiencing anxious or avoidant reactions. The difference is that they have the awareness and tools to recognize those reactions and return to a secure state.

Why earned secure people feel anxious after a breakup

Breakups can be especially difficult for earned secure individuals because they may feel confused by their own reactions.

They may think: “I worked so hard to become secure. Why am I feeling anxious now?”
The answer is that attachment security is not about never feeling fear, sadness, or uncertainty, it is about how we respond to those feelings.

This is important especially if the goal is to try and get back together with an avoidant ex.

It’s important to remember that feeling anxious:

• Does not erase the work you’ve done. Sometimes, feeling anxious highlights the areas that still need work.
• Does not mean the relationship cannot work. Sometimes, it is an opportunity to recognize when old attachment patterns are being activated and respond from a more secure place.

However, it is also important to recognize when the desire to reconnect with an avoidant ex is driven more by attachment anxiety rather than coming from a place of security.

Returning from anxious back to secure

Returning from anxious back to secure is a process, and requires patience with yourself.

Some earned secure people regain their security by recognizing when old attachment patterns have been activated and utilizing the skills and awareness that helped them develop security in the first place.

Others get stuck in anxiety because the uncertainty of the process can continue to activate old attachment patterns and make it difficult to reconnect with their sense of security.

They may feel dysregulated or feel distressed because their reactions do not match the secure attachment they have worked to develop.

The take away here is: Anxious patterns existed long before an avoidant

Yes, an avoidant can make someone with “felt” security or earned secure attachment become more anxious. However, the problem is not necessarily an avoidant; anxious attachment patterns existed long before an avoidant came into your life.

For someone with felt security: The relationship with an avoidant may have simply revealed that feeling secure is not the same as having secure attachment, and you still need to work on existing anxious patterns.

Avoiding avoidants and trying to find someone more secure isn’t going to magically heal an anxious attachment. A secure person can provide a safe and supportive relationship experience, but lasting security comes from developing your own internal sense of security. A secure partner can support that process, but they cannot do the work of healing attachment patterns for you.

For someone with earned secure attachment: The relationship may have activated old attachment patterns that you thought had been resolved. You already have the tools — return to the self-awareness, emotional regulation, and secure practices that helped you build security in the first place.

This doesn’t mean an avoidant didn’t play a role in your increased anxiety

Certain anxious-avoidant dynamics can affect your emotional state and make it harder to stay regulated.

If you’re trying to get back together with an avoidant, it’s important to pay attention to patterns in the dynamic that trigger your anxiety, and decide: If an avoidant doesn’t become aware of their own patterns or doesn’t do their own work, can your earned security change the dynamic?

You can’t make an avoidant do their on self-work, and you can not do it for them. They have to want to work on their patterns.

The decision about what is right for you ultimately rests with you, not on an avoidant working on themselves. Taking responsibility for your own well-being is an important part of being secure.

If you already have earned secure attachment: You can continue working on becoming secure and trust that your earned secure attachment will help you navigate the relationship from a place of awareness, self-respect, and emotional stability.

If you only have felt security: You can work on developing secure attachment and hope that building your internal sense of security will change how you experience and respond, which may also change the dynamic between you and your avoidant ex.

Or you can decide to walk away. You don’t have to stay in a relationship where you continually feel anxious.

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