10 Differences Your Ex Is Fearful Vs. Dismissive Avoidant

It’s important to get your avoidant ex’s attachment style right because what works to get back a fearful avoidant ex is different from what works to get back a dismissive avoidant ex. Confusing the two attachment styles can significantly hurt your chances.

Fearful avoidants and dismissive avoidants both have an avoidant attachment style

Fearful avoidants and dismissive avoidants both have an avoidant attachment style and share very many similar characteristics. Both avoidant attachment styles can:

• Be highly independent
• Have an intense discomfort with others getting too close
• Struggle with emotional intimacy and vulnerability
• Have difficulty trusting others completely
• Find it difficult allowing themselves to depend on others, conflict avoidant
• Preference for self-reliance
• Use of emotional distancing or deactivating strategies to self-regulate and/or feel safe

But there are also significant differences between fearful avoidants and dismissive avoidants.

In this article, I discuss the 10 major differences between a dismissive avoidant and a fearful avoidant with the hope that you can figure out whether your ex is a fearful or dismissive avoidant, and be able to seek the right information you need to do to get them back.

Difference #1 – Fearful avoidants are mostly conflicted, dismissive avoidants are mostly dismissive

The easiest way to tell the difference between a fearful avoidant and a dismissive avoidant is look at why they are called dismissive vs. fearful avoidants:

Dismissive avoidant – “Dismissive” or “dismissing” in attachment theory refers to someone who is indifferent, unenthusiastic, minimizing, undervaluing, or down plays their own attachment needs.

Dismissive avoidants’ thoughts patterns, feelings and behaviours show that they don’t think it’s important to be in a relationship because relationships add little or no value to one’s life, and are draining and not worth the effort or trouble. They’re genuinely happier alone.

Fearful avoidant – “Fearful” in attachment theory refers to someone who has conflicting desires and needs and acts with hesitation and indecision because they’re afraid and scared of their own attachments needs. Fearful avoidants’ thought patterns, feelings and behaviours show that they’re afraid of the very thing they want. Most of them find relationships enjoyable and satisfying but also difficult and frightening.

Once you understand this major difference between FEAR of one’s own attachments needs and DISMISSING of oe’s own attachments, you can see more clearly what strategy works to get a fearful avoidant ex back and what strategy will work for a dismissive avoidant ex. Everything else you read or watch on how to get back a fearful avoidant ex or dismissive avoidant ex will either make sense or not make sense.

Difference #2 – Dismissive avoidants use organized strategies for attachment, fearful avoidants use disorganized attachment strategies

Dismissive avoidant – Dismissive avoidants are what you might call avoidant avoidants because they use organized avoidant attachment strategies. What this means is that dismissive avoidant behaviours are consistent and do not significantly fluctuate over time. From the beginning, middle, end of the relationship and even post break-up, they are slow to warm up to someone and are mostly distant with no noticeable highs and lows, This is  mainly due to a dismissive avoidant’s “no drama” attitude, lack of “energy” when it comes to relationship maintenance, and distancing most of the time.

Fearful avoidant – Fearful avoidants are called anxious avoidants because their strategies for attaching to someone are disorganized, inconsistent and unpredictable. They can move fast, be intense in relationships and show they want to get close but also display a range of odd, fearful, contradictory, and conflicted behaviours in the beginning, throughout the relationship and even after the break-up.

They approach others and take comfort in being close to someone but push them away or run away from them creating an approach-withdraw or pull-push dynamic.

Difference #3 – Dismissive avoidants generally experience low anxiety in relationships, fearful avoidants can experience high anxiety.

Dismissive avoidant – Dismissive avoidants have low attachment anxiety which means that they do not worry that others will reject, leave or abandon them because they’re genuinely comfortable being on their own.

Fearful avoidant – Fearful avoidants (or anxious avoidants) on the other hand high attachment anxiety. They are highly sensitive to signs that a partner is pulling away, worry about relationship and need reassurance that the relationship not being threatened.

Difference #4 – Dismissive avoidants have a positive view of themselves, fearful avoidants have a negative view of themselves

Dismissive avoidant – Have a positive view of themselves and a negative view of their partners (I’m OK, you’re Not OK). They see themselves as emotionally calm, rational, resilient and fully trust and rely on themselves, and see their partners as unreliable, can’t be depended or trusted.

Fearful avoidant – Have a negative view of themselves and also a negative view their partners (I’m not OK, you’re Not OK). They see themselves as not good enough and don’t trust themselves to know or be capable of doing the right thing. But they also see a relationship partner as someone who can’t be trusted to be there when needed, will disappoint, reject or abandon them. Soon or later the relationship will end with rejection and abandonment, it’s only a matter of time.

Difference #5 – Dismissive avoidants are dismissive of feelings, fearful avoidants are very sensitive

Dismissive avoidant – Are self-assured, charming, self-controlled and seem to know exactly what they want and what to do to get what they want, but dismissive avoidants are also insensitive and indifferent to other’s feelings and experience, hesitant to give or receive compliments or feedback (positive or negative) and become unresponsive for days, weeks or months when slighted or inconvenienced in some way.

Fearful avoidant – Can be sensitive and understanding but they’re also persistently negative about just everything. Because they’re part anxious, fearful avoidants can be controlling and manipulative as away to manage fear or deal with uncertainty. Many fearful avoidants suffer from social anxiety, depression, struggle with work-related stress, and/or have a substance abuse problem/or addiction. Most fearful avoidants also suffer from complex post traumatic stress disorder (cPTSD) resulting from emotional, physical or sexual trauma in their past.

Difference #6 – Dismissive avoidant don’t invest much in relationships, fearful avoidants invest in relationships (in the beginning).

Dismissive avoidant – Generally invest little in a relationship and are slow to attach. This makes the attraction and the effort to make the relationship work look and feel one-sided. Even when a dismissive avoidant says they’re all in, it takes them several months to years to get to a place where they’re comfortable having you in their every day life and space. You can even be in a relationship with a dismissive avoidant for months but never get invited inside their space.

The general feeling you have in a relationship with a dismissive avoidant is “I DON’T know if they love me. I DON’T even know if they care about me. They must, otherwise they wouldn’t be with me.”

Fearful avoidant – Relationships are important and have value to fearful avoidants and many of fearful avoidants invest in a relationship especially in the beginning. Depending on if they lean anxious or avoidant, a fearful avoidant can come on too strong (love bombing), attach very quickly, talk about the “future” within the first few dates and move in together in less than 3 months. If they lean avoidant, things may move a little slower, but fluctuate between getting too close and distancing.

Overall however, the general feeling you have in a relationship with a fearful avoidant is “I KNOW they love me. I KNOW they care about me. I just don’t know what’s going on”.

Difference #7 – Dismissive avoidant have rigid boundaries, fearful avoidants are people pleasers

Dismissive avoidant – From day one, they set rigid boundaries on what you can and can’t do with their space and time, and don’t veer very far from “how things should be”. For example a dismissive avoidant says they are not ready/don’t want a relationship, or wants a friends with benefits situation, that’s how it’s going to be. They’re not going to send conflicting and mixed signals or step over their own boundaries and veer away from what they say they want.

Fearful avoidant – Often have loose boundaries or no boundaries at all. They are also have people-pleasing tendencies which makes many of their behaviours seem confusing and conflicting. One day they say they’re drawing a boundary on no sexual intimacy or don’t want a relationship and the next, they’re grabbing you and kissing you passionately. They say they want space, want a break or want to break up, the very next day they send you texts saying they miss you, are still attracted to you or love you. It’s a complete brain-scratch, and emotional roller coaster ride.

Difference #8 – Dismissive avoidant have no drama, fearful avoidant relationship have many highs and lows.

Dismissive avoidant – Have low tolerance for highs and lows (drama) in a relationship. When you complain about their behaviour, you either get the “If you don’t like how I am, leave” typical dismissive response or a dismissive avoidant just disappears out of your life. As far as most dismissive avoidants are concerned, complaining about their behaviours is asking them to be who they are not.

Even when they are angry dismissive avoidants are pretty calm and only become visibly upset when pushed way past their tolerance limits. The no drama pattern continues during and after a dismissive avoidant breakup. There is a sense of “extended quiet” or suspense with no (or very little) back and forth communication after the break-up.

Even a dismissive avoidant on-and-off relationship is drama free and in a weird way stable in that the “on” period lasts almost as long as the “off”  period. For example, you’re together for 3 – 4 months, then broken up for 4- 5 months, then back on again for 4- 5 months and then off for 3 -4 months.

Fearful avoidant – A relationship with a fearful avoidant has many passionate highs and many lows because of the disorganized attachment pull-push strategies;

• “Come close… you’re suffocating me”
• “I love you… I’m not sure how I feel”
• “Love me… I don’t want a relationship”
• “Leave me alone… wait, why are you abandoning me?”
• “Do you miss me?…. Don’t tell me, I don’t want to know” etc.

Some fearful avoidant breaks up are volatile and and some are loving and amicable but almost involve some level of devaluing an ex (e,g. I wasn’t attracted to you/in love with you, ) or devaluing the relationship to justify their decision to  breakup.

Even a fearful avoidant on-and-off relationship is chaotic and often impulsive. For example, you break-up then get back together immediately (or in relatively short period of time), but break up again soon after getting back together. You find that within a short period of time, you’ve broken up several times. In my experience, on average fearful avoidants have 3 or more on-and-off breakups a year.

Difference #9 – Dismissive avoidant relationships often don’t last long, fearful avoidants have on-and-off relationships

Dismissive avoidant – Relationships don’t last because dismissive avoidants have little to no desire to work on the problems in the relationship. They prefer not deal with it and avoid very difficult conversations altogether. Having low emotional investment in relationships means that most dismissive avoidants aren’t controlling or manipulative because trying to control or manipulate another person would require emotional investment and energy, and dismissive avoidants just aren’t up to it.

Some dismissive avoidants relationships last provided that things don’t interfere too much with their high independence, less demand of their time and space, the relationship being less volatile (less/no stress) and a partner who is consistently reliable and trustworthy.

Fearful avoidant – Have on-and-off relationships that can last years making it feel like a long-term relationship. They can be intense and show you they’re into you, but if they feel rejected, or feel that the relationship is one-sided, or feel constantly criticized or made to feel “not good enough”, they become controlling, manipulative and even mean and revengeful. Then after a while they miss an ex and come back. Things are intense and good for a while then it’s the same repeat of on-and off.

Difference # 10 – Dismissive avoidants often don’t reach out after the breakup, fearful avoidants often reach out

Dismissive avoidant – Depending on how attached they were to you, dismissive avoidants often don’t reach out or come back to exes. After the breakup, they move on. But if there was a strong attachment, you will not see much difference in a dismissive avoidant’s behaviour before and after the breakup. They act almost like the breakup never happened. For example if the relationship was generally good, dismissive avoidants will continue to care about you, maintain contact and even check up on you once in a while, but remain distant and resistant to getting back into a relationship. If the relationship was unhealthy or toxic, you will never hear back from a dismissive avoidant ex.

Fearful avoidant – Fearful avoidants after the break-up are all over the place. For example, they ask for no contact or go no contact then immediately contact you. Reach out then stop responding when you respond. Say they miss you then pull back when you say you miss them too. Block you for no reason at all then unblock you on their own, or keep one avenue for contact open. Hover your social media but block access to their social media. Agree to meet up then cancel etc.

Even fearful avoidants who go no contact will often  point reach out. The mystery is when and why they reach out. Even fearful avoidants themselves sometimes don’t know the answer to when and why they reach out breakup. Sometimes they reach out hours after breaking up with you and sometimes they reach out days, weeks, months and even years after the breakup.

Hopefully these 10 major differences between dismissive avoidant and fearful avoidant exes will help seek the right information on how to get your avoidant ex back.

I want to add that attachment styles exist on a continuum. It’s possible for an ex to be a fearful avoidant who leans dismissive or a dismissive avoidant who leans fearful. And after a break-up, many fearful avoidants lean avoidant and even dismissive. The underlying internal working models – what drives how they think, feel, process and decode attachment-related information and experiences – however remain either primarily dismissive or primarily fearful.

RELATED:

Dismissive vs. Fearful Avoidant Deactivation: Crucial Differences

Do Dismissive Avoidants Come Back After The Break Up?

How Fearful Avoidants Come Back – A Detailed Analysis