Question: Yangki, I read so much about a fearful avoidant attachment and watched so many YouTube videos on how to attract back a fearful avoidant and you are the only coach I feel truly understands a fearful avoidant attachment. Everyone said to do no contact to get back my fearful avoidant and I watched a video that says I need to tell him I want complete 100% no contact for 3 weeks (21 days). He initially wanted to be just friends, but I said I can’t just be his friend because I love him. I sent him a text that I wanted 100% no contact for 3 weeks. He texted back “Do you think stopping contact will do any good?” He immediately sent another text asking, “Why do we need to stop contact”, then a third text “If this is what you want, so be it”. This was the first time he sent me 3 texts within like a minute and from what I read in your articles, he was obviously triggered and anxious, but I was following what the experts said and did not respond. Next he blocked me, unfollowed me and all my family members.
Fast forward, I reached out 3 weeks later from a number he had not blocked me on and he did not respond. I reached out again two weeks later and still no response. I have since reached out 4 more times and he ha not responded. It’s 4 months since the breakup. A mutual friend showed me something he posted 10 days after blocking me about him going out on dates and meeting amazing, beautiful women. My guess is he is done with me. To be honest, I wish I never went no contact and trigger him. I think that him wanting to be friends and keep the lines of communication was his way of leaving the door open for us to get back together. What do you think, is there still hope and do I still have a chance? I feel like I missed my crucial window of time to get him back and lost my chance for ever.
Yangki’s Answer: You are right that asking for 100% no contact for 3 weeks triggered him and sent him into deactivation, and he’s probably even detached. You are also right that him wanting to be friends and keep the lines of communication may have been his way of leaving the door open to get back together. I can’t say for sure that you would have gotten back together if you had not gone no contact, but I can say for sure that going no contact didn’t help. Initially it made him anxious as indicated by his three texts. He went from protesting the 100% no contact for 3 weeks (anxious) to resigning to it and (avoidant) even sounding angry within a minute, and seems to have leaned more and more avoidant to the point that he’s not responded to all of your attempts to re-open the lines of communication.
Did you miss the crucial window of time to get him back?
Yes, you did. Unfortunately. The crucial window of time to get back someone who is anxious as you may have read in the article is usually within 1 – 3 months of the break-up. This is the time most fearful avoidants who lean anxious lean even more anxious (wanting constant connection) before they lean more avoidant or dismissive. But sometimes forcing no contact on a fearful avoidant ex can shorten the crucial window of time between when they learn anxious to when they lean more avoidant, or as I call it “fade away into the shadows”.
Does missing the crucial window of time to get a fearful avoidant ex back mean that you lost your chance for ever?
No. Again as the article says, it just means it’s going to be harder to get back a fearful avoidant who leans more avoidant. In your case, even trying to get him back depends on if he responds. This is the other risk of going no contact with someone who already has a fear of rejection and abandonment, doesn’t trust other people will be there for them and doesn’t trust their own instincts or feelings. When you go no contact, how does a fearful avoidant ex know that you will reach out again? How do they know you haven’t moved on? How do they know you’re still thinking about them and want them back? Sometimes exes get used to no contact and are reluctant to re-open the lines of communication and allow you back into their lives.
RELATED:
How Anxious Attachment Come Back – Crucial Window Of Time
3 Ways No Contact Hurts Your Chances (Attachment Styles)
This Is How An Avoidant Ex Reacts To You After No Contact
How A Fearful Avoidant Ex Comes Back – A Detailed Analysis
