Fearful Avoidant Wanted YOU To Breakup (Self-Sabotage)

Fearful avoidants are known to sabotage relationships, but did you also know that fearful avoidants intentionally and unintentionally create chaos in their relationship to make you to breakup with them? After sabotaging the relationship they try to fix things and even make significant changes, only to self-sabotage again.

Why would they do that you ask yourself? Because fearful avoidants need chaos and instability to feel like things are normal.

Someone whose earliest experiences with attachment figures or caregiver were chaotic, unpredictable, volatile and sometimes emotionally, physically and sexually abusive is likely going to have an increased risk for unstable, explosive, unhealthy and toxic relationships. They may even develop a comfort with chaos and breakup with someone when a relationship doesn’t have the tension, instability, chaos, volatility and emotional outbursts they’re so used to.

When relationship instability and chaos feel normal, it can lead to a whole new level of emotional dysfunction, toxicity and even emotional abusiveness where a fearful avoidant is loving and caring but is also the angry yeller and abuser from their childhood. Things can be going along so well in the relationship and some insignificant happens, you say or do something that triggers a fearful avoidant and before you know it, there is yelling, mean words, angry outbursts, slamming doors, and even physical violence. New day, things are good again, but only until the next argument or fight.

If a relationship is calm, peaceful and healthy then it’s superficial and not real

Some fearful avoidants even thrive in crisis situations, most of them of their own making. There are even fearful avoidants who believe that if a relationship is calm, peaceful and healthy then it’s superficial and not real. Others end a relationship because they stopped feeling intense and volatile emotions and concluded their feelings were/are gone or weren’t real. Once the thrill of the chase wears off, they feel bored, restless, and anxious and crave the tension/friction of chaos. They start finding reasons to be unhappy and pull away or end the relationship just so they can feel the intense and volatile emotions of a breakup.

The tragedy is that many fearful avoidants who are not aware why chaos permeates every aspect of their life – family, friends, job, public life, social media, gym, therapy, restaurant etc., and why the world feels like a hostile place or why the have a fatalistic view of everything.

They get into relationships and are happy for a while, but eventually their need for chaos makes their partners feel stressed, confused, overwhelmed, off-balance, stuck, manipulated and abused. The comfort with chaos may not even manifest as anger, emotional outbursts, or violence but as extreme anxiety, oversensitivity, unpredictable behaviours, inconsistency, impulsiveness, emotional withholding or pulling away. The result is the same, the chaos turn something that’s simple and/or beautiful into something complicated, messy and toxic.

Chaos, instability and abuse feels so normal that some fearful avoidants don’t recognize that 1) they’re being abusive in their relationships and/or 2) what they’re experiencing in their relationships is emotional abuse. The constant arguments, criticisms, put-downs, emotional outbursts, silent treatment, emotional withholding, the instability created by frequent on-and-off breaking up and getting back together and generally feeling scared and unsafe feels safer (and even exciting) than a calm, peaceful and healthy relationship.

And the people who love fearful avoidants and/or want them back don’t know any better. They get used to and enjoy a fearful avoidant’s intense and volatile emotions in the beginning of the relationship, but can’t handle the unravelling of intense and volatile emotions that comes with being in a relationship with a fearful avoidant.

When a fearful avoidant who was initially intense and doing the chasing pulls back, it shifts the power dynamic and many anxiously attached become dissatisfied and even angry with the scaled back contact, affection and intimacy. Some anxiously attached become nasty in conversations, intrusive, withhold affection, use a fearful avoidant’s insecurities and flaws against them, and even introduce more insecurity into the dynamic (i.e. doing things to make a fearful avoidant feel neglected and abandoned or jealous) and create narratives that end up perpetuating the cycle of chaos, volatility, toxicity and/or abuse.

How do you stabilize a fearful avoidant attachment?

Like all attachment styles, fearful avoidants exist on a spectrum, some are more disorganized in their attachment than others, but like all attachment styles, fearful avoidants even though they seem more comfortable with chaos and even seek out chaos want peace, stability, acceptance and love in their relationships; and not just want space and independence.

The key to stabilizing a disorganized attachment’s pattern of chaos, sabotage and toxic relationship is to create an environment that is the opposite of the chaos they’ve come to expect. The goal for you as someone who loves someone with disorganized attachment or wants a fearful avoidant ex back is to provide stability, be the attachment stabilizer or stable base from which a fearful avoidant can learn that love doesn’t have to be chaotic, loud or angry, and safety can be consistent and reliable.

A fearful avoidant avoidant needs to see you consistently model calmness and skillfully deescalate emotionally volatile situations and not act like the passive aggressive, distancer, angry yeller or abuser from their childhood. They need to experience consistent safety and and not the chaotic love they’ve come to expect.

Being the relationship stabilizer will not fix a disorganized attachment’s comfort with chaos or fatalistic view on relationships as this goes much deeper but it will at least communicate a sense of safety which fearful avoidants crave more than anything.

If you are a fearful avoidant reading this and tired of self-sabotaging and want to change your role in creating  constant chaos in your relationships and life, get professional help to deal with the root cause of your need for constant and prolonged chaos, why you need to feel intense and volatile emotions to feel love, and why you are drawn to people who trigger your fears about attachment figures and insecurities about yourself. Conveniently distracting your woundedness with repeated toxic relationships is what is making you feel powerless and depressed.

RELATED:

5 Ways A Fearful Avoidant Ex Sabotaged The Relationship

Can A Fearful Avoidant Ex Stop Being Hot And Cold?

Why Did My Fearful Avoidant Ex Block and Then Unblock Me?

Fearful Avoidant Ex Done With You Or Lashing Out?

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