How Often To Meet With A Fearful Avoidant Ex

Most people trying to get a fearful avoidant ex back soon or later find out that it’s really, really hard to get a fearful avoidant to meet or spend time together. Most times they say no or not now, but sometimes they say they want to meet then cancel time and time again. But if that’s not frustrating enough, after spending time (too much) together or being intimate, a fearful avoidant ex will immediately become distant or become anxious then pull away or even deactivate.

When this happens, most anxiously attached don’t know what to think, how to feel, or what to do. They spent time and effort making their fearful avoidant ex feel safe enough to spend intimate time together, they finally made it happen and now their fearful avoidant seems more distant than before spending time together.

First of all, it’s not always a bad thing when an avoidant distances or needs space. Distance from connection allows avoidants to process their feelings in a safe space. Secondly, what’s important is that after distancing, your avoidant ex leans back into connection. If a fearful avoidant distances and leans back in with the same engagement or even more engagement, then some distance was a good thing. It means they had time to process their feelings and emotions, and the outcome of that process was positive, and now they feel confident re-engaging and even taking things steps forward.

If a fearful avoidant on the other hand remains distant and is  unwilling to engage for an extended period of time, then you have reason to worry. Either they distanced and instead of processing their feelings and emotions, did nothing or distracted themselves with other things. This leaves them needing more time and space to process things before they can re-engage.

Sometimes, fearful avoidants distance to process their feelings and emotions but end up feeling negative about the situation or view of you. The negative feelings about the situation or you may not even be about something you said or did, but their own thoughts about themselves and ability to be in a relationship.

In almost all cases where distancing resulted in a fearful avoidant feeling negative about the situation or you, they will not only be reluctant to re-engage, they also start expressing doubts about the relationship or their readiness or capacity to be in a relationship. What follows is a series of mini distancing or what I call “needing to escape but not going too far away after escaping”. This is when a fearful avoidant alternates between wanting connection and even getting close for a few hours or days and then pulling away but for a few hours or days, and repeat. It feels like they distanced but not really, and can be very confusing. Do they want connection or do they want space?

How you react or respond will determine if a fearful avoidant stabilizes or continues being hot and cold. If you are consistently calm and reassuring, most fearful avoidants stabilize and lean in more into connection, but if you get triggered and engage in protest behaviour, it’ll confirm and reinforce a fearful avoidant’s negative view of the situation or view of you and make them distance even more and for longer periods of time.

The same goes for fearful avoidants who become anxious after what feels like too much closeness or intimacy. They genuinely enjoy spending time with you and the intimacy, but this is where the differences in attachment styles really show – to a point that things can easily take a turn for the worst.

People with an anxious attachment operate on the belief and internal working model that equates safety with constant closeness and intimacy. In an anxious attachment way of thinking, if both people are in constant closeness and are intimate, it must mean that they both are feeling safe about the relationship. If your fearful avoidant ex enjoys the times you spend together, it must mean that they feel close to you. But avoidants think and feel differently about the times you send together.

Fearful avoidants (and dismissive avoidants) operate on the belief and internal working model that constant closeness is not only risky, but also unsafe. A fearful avoidant ex can enjoy your time together but also worry about the risks of spending too much time together. Many fearful avoidants worry if they’re enough for you, if you are genuinely enjoying your time together or just “acting” the part, if they’re opening up too much or accepting too much help or support, if the whole thing is a “play” to get them to depend on you so you can control them, if they can trust their own feelings or if they’re lying to themselves that it’s all real or safe etc.

But most of all, fearful avoidant exes who know that you want to get back together get anxious about what the good times you spend together could mean for you and how you might interpret them enjoying the time they spend with you.

• Are you going to assume it means more than just two people who enjoy each other without expectations?
• Are you going to start asking questions about where things are going?
• Will you want to label things?
• Will you ask for more than they can give and if they can’t give you what you want, will you pressure them?
• Will you become upset, emotional and start drama?
• Will you still want to be with them?

Should you be spending time with a fearful avoidant ex? Yes, you should. Fearful avoidants are anxious avoidants which means that they enjoy spending time with someone they care about but they also worry about getting too close. If your fearful avoidant ex is open to spending time together, it’s a rare opportunity for you 1) to strengthen your bond, 2) to showcase the changes you’ve made and create a positive view of a possible relationship and 3) to test drive your new dynamic. So don’t deny yourselves these rare opportunities because of the risk involved with spending too much time with a fearful avoidant ex.

My point is for you to be aware of the things fearful avoidants worry about even as they obviously enjoy connecting and spending time with you. Don’t get too carried away with we’re enjoying spending time together and I’m feeling close to my fearful avoidant ex thinking that they feel the same way. Make sure that your fearful avoidant is is also feeling safe about the amount of time you are spending together because if they’re not feeling safe, the connection and closeness you’ve worked so hard to build will all come down in one big heap of emotional mess, and you may never be able to clean it all up, and try again.

My second point is, how often you meet or spend time together should reflect the stage you are in your efforts to get back together. This is to avoid your fearful avoidant ex feeling that you want more closeness than they’re ready for or comfortable with.

RELATED:

Asking to Meet With An Avoidant Ex (Too Soon, Too Much?)

Why Fearful Avoidant Exes Want To Text But Not Meet

Did A Fearful Avoidant Develop Feelings And Pull Away?

How to Be Consistent With A Fearful Avoidant Ex

How Do You Reassure A Fearful Avoidant Ex?