Question: My avoidant ex asked for no contact should I contact him?
It’s been couple of months since the breakup. He broke up with me and I told him I needed time to process my pain. He said, “take all the time you need.” I reached out after 3 weeks and at first he responded politely but I could sense that he didn’t want to talk to me because he took 3-6 hours to respond and sometimes he didn’t respond at all. I missed him so much but was at the same time frustrated that he was ignoring me. I thought that maybe he needed space and sent him a text saying I would give him space and when he was read to talk, I would be here for him. He didn’t respond for 2 days, so I sent him another text telling him how much I miss him and hurt that he doesn’t not want to talk to me. It took him about 30 minutes to respond basically asking me not to contact him for a couple of months. I waited a week then sent him another text asking him to tell me what he needed from me to feel safe. He said also he didn’t need anything from me and I was free to do whatever I want.
I read your articles about no contact, and honestly it is not something I want to do. At the same time, he has asked me not to contact him. Should I respect his wish and not contact him? I don’t want him to think I abandoned him. Do you think he will miss me when we’re not in contact? Of course, I want him to miss me, I miss him, but I also fear that in a couple of months, he will be over me. My second question is, should I contact my ex even if he asked me not to?
Yangki’s Answer: I can’t tell from your question what kind of avoidant our ex is, but he is an avoidant for sure. I’m also not going to tell you what you did that may have pushed him to ask you not to contact him anymore, I’m sure you’re beating yourself up for sending those any text messages. What I know is that most avoidants when you reach out after no contact are not suddenly going to welcome you back with open arms, and I wrote an article about that. Even fearful avoidants who lean anxious and want connection may lean more avoidant when they feel rejected and abandoned, especially if they’d wanted to stay in contact, remain in each other’s lives or be friends.
Your fear that in a couple of months your ex will be over you is legitimate. Some people get over you faster when you’re not in contact but there are also people who don’t just get over someone that fast.
Should you respect his wish and not contact him?
Yes. Since your ex is the one who cut off contact and asked you not to contact him, you’re not the one who’s going no contact. Going no contact is when you are the one who initiates cutting off communication. In your case, you are not initiating or ‘choosing” not to contact him. He asked you not to contact him, you have no choice but to respect his wish. You’re not abandoning him, you’re respecting his wishes and his boundaries.
Do you think he will miss me when we’re not in contact?
All exes miss you at some point. They may not reach out or want you back but they will from time to time think of you, and miss what you had. That said, I don’t think you should spend the next couple of months wondering if your ex misses you.
Part of “respecting other people’s wishes”, is being able to let go the need for a specific outcome. He may miss you but choose not to contact you, or he may miss you and contact you in a couple of days, weeks or months. It’s also possible that he may not miss you and never contact you.
Should I contact my ex even if he asked me not to?
If he hadn’t said “not to contact him for a couple of months”, I would have advised you to reach out sooner than later. But because he said a “couple of months”, wait for him to contact you after a couple of months. If in a couple of months, he has not contacted you and you still want him back then reach out.
Again, don’t spend the next couple of months waiting for your ex to contact you. Keep all options open with no attachment to one specific outcome and spend this time self-caring and working on you. When he contacts you, you’re changed for the better.
You may even find that in a couple of months, you have moved on and no longer want contact or want to be just friends. Like I said, keep all options open.