Shocking Fearful Avoidant “Personality” Shift Post-Breakup

Some fearful avoidants push you away so hard and viciously after a breakup that they seem like a different person.

If you haven’t experienced this fearful avoidant post-breakup transformation before — and depending on how it intense the change — it can be shocking and disorienting. It’s almost like you’re dealing with an entirely different person.

The breakup can trigger childhood trauma

The dramatic change in fearful avoidants after the breakup is bigger than just the breakup.

When one grows up in an unpredictable or frightening environment, a breakup can activate unresolved developmental trauma causing them to react as though they’re once again that vulnerable child.

Instead of it being about just the breakup, they find themsleves pulled back to experiences where they felt unsafe, helpless and alone, and it can feel as though the traumatic event is happening again in the present.

When this happens, their emotional self-state may match the age at which the attachment style was formed. For examaple, a 35 year may have the reactions of a 6 years old — yelling, repeatedly asking the same question, sulking, curling up, crying uncontrollably, giving the silent treatment, slamming doors, throwing objects, screaming “you hate me,” “you never cared”, storming out — the same kind of alarm response a young child might use when they cannot regulate distress alone.

Why they change so dramatically

Why this is especially common in fearful avoidants is because of their two competing survival strategies: seek connection for safety (anxious attachment) or distance from it (avoidant attachment).

They feel pulled to stay and fight back (for the relationship) but also feel pulled to deactivate and distance. The part of them that is pulled to stay triggers a fight response. They may verbally lash out, explode in anger, send harsh and angry texts, make unfounded accusations and create narratives that paint an ex as the “bad guy”. The part of them that is pulled to distance trigger a flight response may cut of all contact, delete number, block,  unfollow, ignore  etc.

When these two trauma responses collide with a regressed self-state, what you see is noticeably “different person”. They’re temporarily experiencing the world through their younger self-state that’s why they may think, feel, and behave so differently.

You become the outlet for their past trauma

When someone carries unresolved attachment trauma, the person they are most attached to at the time can become the person who their pain gets directed toward.

Why this version of them is particularly hurtful is sometimes fearful avoidants often look for the most painful way to hurt you. They are proof of the saying “hurting people hurt other people”.

For example: If a fearful avoidant knows that a previous ex treated you badly and they (fearful avoidant) spent the whole relationship reassuring you that they were not like your previous ex and would never treat you the way your ex did. When they’re hurting, they’ll do exactly what they said they’d never do.

They use your past painful experiences or your insecurites (often ones you’ve shared wih them) to hurt you. They may even make sure that you know exactly what they’re doing.

They might say:

• “That’s why your father abandoned you.”
• “I now understand why your ex abused you.”
• “You see, this is exactly why your friend betrayed you.”

You’re left wondering: “Where is the funny, kind and caring person I fell in love with? How did they turn into this person I barely recognize or like?”.

Here is the irony of ironies. Your fearful avoidant ex is probably thinking the same thing, “How did we get here? What happened to the person I fell in love with?”

The good news is: This self-state is temporary and not a personality change

It usually lasts a few days to a few weeks. The return back to “being themselves” again is usually gradual rather than a sudden switch, although some fearful avoidants may appear to “come back” quite quickly once the most intense distress passes.

Some fearful avoidants may recognize the impact of their behaviour and apologize and for the harm caused but others may struggle to face what happened or take accountability.

For you, the experience can still have a lasting impact, especially the hurtful words or actions during their trauma-driven self-state.

Understanding that a fearful avoidant was responding from a trauma-driven self-state does not erase the impact of their behaviour, but it can explain why their words, actions, and reactions felt like you were dealing with a different person from the one you knew.

The bad news is: Sometimes this self-state does not pass quickly

Instead, a fearful avoidant remains stuck in a trauma-driven state for an extended period of time continuing to see the relationship and the breakup through the lens of their unresolved attachment wounds, and reacting from a regressed state.

If this happens, trying to get back together may not be the wisest thing to do — for them and for you.

It’s hard to “be there” for someone else, let alone be there for someone who is being intentionally hurtful.

You may find yourself also fighting your own fears of:

• Rejection and abandonment
• Being too vulnerable
• Being taken advantage of
• Losing a part of yourself
• Losing your independence

Recognize what they’re going through for what it is, but don’t get pulled it their trauma. Later on, you might find yourselves struggling to connect again because so many things were said and done that make it hard to find yourselves back to where you were.

If you need to give each other space, make sure they understand that “giving them space” doesn’t mean leaving. It’s simply means holding space for both of you to feel safe.

But what would probably help is a trauma/PTSD trained therapist to help heal the deeper attachment wounding and/or trauma.

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