He Waited 6 Months to Tell Avoidant Ex His Feelings (Backfired)

“Should I tell them I love them or not?” “If I tell my avoidant ex I love them, will it push them away or reassure them?” is a dilemma that many people trying to get back with an avoidant find themselves struggling with at any stage of reconnection.

If you Google “Should I tell my avoidant ex I love them?”, Google AI will tell you:

• “It is generally best not to tell an avoidant ex you love them, especially if the breakup is fresh. Direct emotional confessions often trigger an avoidant’s alarm bells, causing them to withdraw further or panic about the pressure.”
• “Tell an avoidant ex you still love them only after establishing a lengthy period of no contact (typically 3 to 6 months), and only if you are completely emotionally detached from the outcome.”

Google AI is trained to predict the most commonly written internet text rather than offering genuine psychological expertise, and the most commonly written internet text is: It’s best not to tell an avoidant ex you love them”. But how does this stand up to test in real life?

He waited 6 months to tell his ex he still loved her

A client signed up for coaching because he too believed that it is generally best not to tell an avoidant ex you love them. He and his fearful avoidant ex had been broken up for a year and a half but had been in contact again for over 6 months. In the beginning, when he reached out, he was careful not to pressure her and texted her every other week. She always responded, at first a little distant, but warmed up as the months went by.

Since they’d been texting regularly, he decided to ask to meet in person. She said she was open to it, but only as friends. He felt he had no choice but to agree to meet as friends. He was also hopeful that it could lead to more because of how responsive and sometimes engaged she was. But he didn’t want to express his hope to her because he was scared that if she knew he still had feelings for her and wanted to get back together, she would pull back and he’d lose the connection.

So they met as friends only, and they both had fun. He, however, noted that she was really treating it as a “friends-only” meeting. But he thought it was just their first meeting.

He continued reaching out, and she continued responding. A few weeks after the first meeting, he asked if they could meet again, and she said she’d let him know when she was available. A month went by, and she’d still not given him a possible time and day to meet. So he asked again, and this time she said she was uncomfortable with meeting again because she didn’t want to hurt him by letting him think that there could be more between them than just being friends.

In that moment, something happened. He’d kept his feelings in because he didn’t want her to feel pressured. But when she took away any hope of getting back together, he told her he loved her and wanted to get back together.

She responded that she didn’t feel the same way about him. She was okay with being friends, but they were not getting back together.

It’s not about how long it has been since the breakup

Would he have found out how she felt about him eight months earlier and not wasted his time trying not to pressure her, only to be told, “We’re never getting back together”?

The answer is: Yes.

Would she have pulled back and not engaged if he had told her he wanted to gt back together when he first reached?

Yes.

Would her response have been different if he had waited another month, two, three… to tell her how he felt?

Unlikely.

With avoidants, especially fearful avoidants, telling them you love them doesn’t trigger alarm bells and doesn’t make them feel pressured if your feelings don’t activate a threat level in their attachment system.

If your feelings don’t activate threat, it doesn’t matter if you communicate your feelings sooner rather than later, directly or indirectly, though communicating directly would be better because most avoidants prefer direct communication. Direct communication removes ambiguity, guesswork, and the pressure of having to read between the lines, allowing them to focus on how they truly feel instead of trying to figure out what you mean.

The question a fearful avoidant asks themselves is: Is this something I feel safe enough stepping back into?

That decision has nothing to do with your feelings and everything to do with their emotional experience of the relationship and of reconnecting with you. They are not asking, “How much do they love me?”

They are asking:

• Do I still have romantic feelings?
• Am I attracted to this person?
• Do I want a relationship at all?
• Is the relationship worth the emotional risk?

If they don’t feel safe or don’t want the relationship, withholding your feelings won’t change the outcome.

If they feel safe and open to reconnecting, hearing “I love you” or expressing your feelings honestly — and directly — is unlikely to scare them away. It may not immediately make them want to come back, but it will not scare them away either.

Timing still matters — but not for the reason most people think

Popular internet advice says: It is generally best not to tell an avoidant ex you love them because they’ll feel pressured and withdraw. Wait until they have had time to cool down or they have reached out to you first.

Secure attachment says: The advice to wait isn’t about avoiding scaring them away. It’s about giving the relationship enough space for both people to discover whether there is enough safety, trust, and desire to step back into it.

Fear-based thinking asks: Will telling them I love them scare them away?

Secure-based thinking asks: Do they feel safe enough hearing that I love them — and do they want the same thing I want?

Fear-based advice says: An avoidant’s needs and feelings matter more than yours.

Secure behaviour says: BOTH people need enough time and interaction to decide if the relationship is worth stepping back into.

Key take away: When there’s enough safety, telling an avoidant you love them gives them the opporutnity to either step up or step away. And for you to know, it stops you are wasting your time trying to get back with someone who has already decided they don’t love you enough — but using you as an attachment resource.

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Why After Taking Space Avoidants Still Don’t Come Back