What Being Intentional with an Avoidant Ex Really Means

When trying to get back with an avoidant, you will often hear advice about being “intentional.”

• Be intentional about when you reach out.
• Be intentional about how you communicate.
• Be intentional about what you say and how you respond.

But what does being intentional actually mean when you are dealing with an avoidant ex?

The word “intentional” can sound like carefully calculating everything you do so you can get the reaction you want from them, trying to say the perfect thing that will make an avoidant ex feel safe enough to come back, or strategizing so that every text, interaction, delay, or social media post has to accomplish something.

But that’s not what being intentional means.

Being intentional in attachment theory means being more deliberate about how you respond and making decisions based on the kind of interaction and relationship you want to create, rather than letting every change in someone’s behaviour determine what you do next.

Being intentional when reconnecting with an avoidant

When reconnecting with an avoidant, being intentional means actively investing in low-pressure interactions while also making sure that you are investing your time and energy in a way that protects your own emotional well-being.

For example:

• If an avoidant pulls back or takes longer to respond, pay attention to how the distance affects you, but rather than automatically changing your behaviour to get a reaction from them, consider what feels right for you and what you want your next interaction with them to be.
• If they come closer, be intentional about how you invest in the increased connection by responding to the level of engagement they are actually showing, rather becoming so excited that you start pushing things faster than the connection is able to sustain.
• And rather than looking at isolated interactions as progress or as a sign that things are moving forward, being intentional is paying attention to the overall pattern and whether their actions are creating the kind of consistency and mutual effort you need.

The intentional part is that you are making deliberate choices about how you participate in reconnection based on what you are seeing, what you need and what you want to create, rather than simply reacting to your ex’s behaviour or following a set of rules that take away personal intent and the choose to act based on what feels right in that moment.

Being intentional starts with how you think about reconnection

When reconnecting with an avoidant, your intention cannot simply be, “I want them back.” That is your desired outcome, but it does not tell you what you should actually do.

A more useful way of looking at reconnection is: What do you need to do differently for getting back together to actually work for both of you?

When you start thinking of reconnection in these terms, it changes how you approach your ex. Instead of just trying to get them to respond, you create the conditions for a healthier connection.

That might mean communicating differently than you did during the relationship. It might mean being more direct about what you need rather than expecting your ex to figure it out. It might mean checking in rather than automatically assuming that your ex does not want contact simply because they have pulled back or have not initiated.

It also means being more intentional about what you are willing to accept. For example, if you want a relationship with consistency, mutual effort and open communication, those things need to be part of the requirements you are looking for as the connection develops.

This is where being intentional is different from “how to get your ex back” tactics.

A tactic asks, “What can I do to make my avoidant behave how I want them to behave?” Being intentional asks, “What can I do differently to create the kind of dynamic/relationship that I want?”

Those can look very similar from the outside, but they come from completely different places. One comes from trying to change your avoidant ex’s behaviour, the other focuses on changing how you participate in the dynamic you are trying to create together.

Knowing when to act

This is a central part of being intentional, and requires paying attention to what is actually happening between you rather than relying on assumptions about how an avoidant ex will behave.

This is particularly important if you are anxiously attached.

When you are anxious about reconnection, it can be difficult to distinguish between what is actually happening and what you are afraid might happen. A change in your ex’s communication can feel significant enough that you immediately want to do something about it, whether that means reaching out, asking for reassurance, changing how you communicate or pulling back yourself.

Being intentional gives you a chance to pause, ask what the situation actually calls for, and make the decision based on the kind of interaction you want to create.

Rather than assume that your ex not reaching out means they want space or do not want to hear from you, reach out and see if they respond and how they respond. This gives you actual information to consider instead of making a decision based on an assumption about what their silence means.

The same applies to communication. Rather than carefully choosing your words to produce a particular reaction, think about what you want to communicate and why then communicate it. You can be warm, direct and honest while also considering how what you say contributes to the kind of dynamic you want to have.

And if you want to ask them to hang out, ask yourself whether there is enough momentum based on what is actually happening between you, then ask knowing that they may say yes or they may say no, and being okay with either response.

You are not trying to control the outcome. You are taking into account what is actually happening and choosing to express what you want, without needing to know or control what their response will be.

And more importantly, you are being deliberate about the part of the relationship that you can control: how you show up, what you communicate, what you participate in, and what you are willing to build together if your ex is willing to do the same.

Knowing when not to act

The flip side of knowing when to act is knowing when not to act.

You can reach out, communicated openly,  make your interest clear, and create opportunities for connection, but the most intentional thing you can do is allow your ex to decide what they want to do with that opportunity.

This does not mean putting your own needs on hold or always waiting for them to intiate. It means recognizing that sometimes intentionality means doing something. Sometimes it means not doing something.

For example:

• You may want to immediately respond to a change in their behaviour, but deciding to wait until you understand what you actually want to say can be more useful.
• You may want to confront them about something the moment you become upset, but deciding to have the conversation when you are calm may lead to a much better interaction.
• You may want to keep contacting them because you are afraid that stopping will cause them to disappear, but if you have made your intentions clear, continuing to push for a response can turn an opportunity for connection into pressure.

The point is not that you should always wait. The point is that your action should be deliberate, not reactionary or impulsive. If there is nothing more you need to do in that moment, you do not have to keep doing something simply because you are anxious about what might happen if you stop.

This gives you control over your own participation, rather than feeling like you have no control and need to follow a set of rules to get your ex back.

Pay attention to how they respond

The other important part of being intentional is paying attention to how your avoidant responds.

Many of my clients tell me, “I said this, and I told them that,” but when I ask, “And how did they respond?” they can’t remember, dismiss the response, give it little value, or simply go back to talking about what they said or did.

How an avoidant responds is valuable information.

It tells you what is happening on their side of the interaction and helps you make a more informed and intentional decision, rather than automatically reacting to every change in their behaviour.

If they respond positively, pay attention to what seems to make the interaction easier and more natural for both of you. You may notice more openness, engagement or willingness to continue the conversation.

If they respond with distance, hesitation or little engagement, pay attention to that too. It may tell you that something about the interaction needs more time, a different approach, or that they are not ready to participate in the way you would like.

In both cases, their response gives you what you need to know about whether the relationship is becoming something both of you can participate in.

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