QUICK TIP: Anxious-Avoidant Pairing Can Work IF…

Attachment styles are the holy grail of understanding relationships and having empathy and compassion for the person you love but when you focus too much on I am anxious and my ex is avoidant, it makes relationships between anxious-avoidant seem almost impossible.

Anxious-avoidant can work if you focus on “what can we be?” rather than “what are we?”

So before you leave or dismiss someone as love-avoidant or “unlovable”, ask yourself:

  1. Am I easy to love or difficult to love?
  2. Do I need more (validation, attention, closeness, intimacy etc.) than any one human being can give?
  3. Do I know how to ask for what I need or do I complain, nag, criticize, act needy and clingy, try to control the relationship and your partner, punish, end the relationship (or threaten to), cut off all contact when I should be trying to connect more, call others selfish, commitment phobe, narcissistic, “love-avoidant” because I didn’t get my needs met?

Sometimes… it’s not them, it’s really you.

This goes both ways. Dismissive-avoidants before you label or dismiss someone as “needy”, complaining, nagging, critical, controlling, punishing, crazy etc., ask yourself:

  1. Do I know what the person I love needs to feel loved, wanted, validated, valued, cared for etc.?
  2. Do I know how to meet those needs in away that they feel loved, wanted, validated, valued, cared for etc.?
  3. Am I even trying to know their needs or meet them?
  4. Do I always put myself, my needs and what I want above my relationship and the person I love?
  5. Do I engage is distancing behaviours because my partner is needy and clingy or is my partner needy and clingy because I distance and push them away?

 

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