How Much Love Is Too Much For An Avoidant Ex?

We hear a lot of avoidant’s fear of intimacy and how if someone gets too close, avoidants and pull away or even deactivate. How being needy and clingy triggers them and how avoidants breakup with someone because they developed feelings or you got too close. This is all true about avoidants, but what is left out in this narrative is that most avoidants don’t end a relationship because you got too close and triggered they’re fear of intimacy or because they developed feelings for you. Most avoidants end relationships because they felt overwhelmed and trapped by the way their ex “loved them”.

I’ve seen this happen a lot with exes; the love is still there, an avoidant wants to get back together and even wants commit, but they’re so scared of how their ex showed love. If you are too invested in “avoidants are afraid of intimacy” narrative, you will assume that an avoidant wants space, wants to be left alone and/or doesn’t want you to contact them. But the truth could be as simple as an avoidant wants all the things you want, they just don’t want the way you love them.

How much love is too much for an avoidant?

Individuals with an anxious attachment are the most likely attachment style to fall in love, have intense romantic feelings and experience high levels of closeness to their partner. They’re the most likely attachment style to be obsessed with someone, to self-abandon and sacrifice too much for their loved one. But they are also the attachment style that experiences unreciprocated love, despair and rejection the most. The attachment style that’s most likely to blow up their ex’s phone, to engage in relentless pursuit including stalk an ex.

When you crave being loved and/or contact so much, you can’t imagine that someone can feel overwhelmed and trapped by someone “loving” them too much and too intensely to the point of self-sacrifice. And even when you know and understand that you overwhelmed an avoidant and pushed them to breakup, you still think what will make an avoidant come back is long email letters professing your love, texts telling an avoidant you have been thinking about them a lot, this and that reminds you of them, they appeared in your dream etc.

An avoidant especially fearful avoidant (who in the early stages have intense passionate feelings and express many of the traits associated with an anxious attachment) can in the beginning of the relationship be flattered by you loving them too much, but as time goes on, they start feeling trapped and overwhelmed by the intensity of how you show your love and/or the expectation to reciprocate.

Many avoidants feeling trapped and overwhelmed cut and run. At the time they cut and run, they genuinely feel that you are not someone they want any contact or connection with. They don’t want to see, meet, or have any contact with their exes. Sometimes an avoidant doesn’t even breakup, they ghost you leaving you wondering if you’re still together or broken up.

Unwanted love and relentless pursuit after the breakup

But even after an avoidant cuts and runs because they were overwhelmed, trapped and suffocated by someone loving them too much, some anxiously attached still don’t get it. They’re like avoidants are “love avoidant”, avoidants get scared when they develop feelings or avoidants are afraid of intimacy when the reality is simply that they loved an avoidant too much and scared them away.

But instead of looking inwards and how they’re are loving an avoidant ex or even if their love is wanted and/or reciprocated, many anxiously attached exes (on their own) decide that an avoidant just wants space and go no contact. But when they reach out weeks or months of no contact, their avoidant ex still doesn’t want ther love and/or doesn’t want to reopen the lines of communication. An avoidant ex may even have thought that because their anxiously attached and obsessed ex stopped reaching out, they had accepted that the relationship was over and moved on, but here they are again.

The feeling many avoidant exes experience from unwanted love and relentless pursuit is panic, fear and anger. Some avoidants even feel helpless and depressed that their ex doesn’t want to hear, understand or accept that their way of loving is overwhelming, controlling and trapping, and/or the relationship is over.

How do you know you love your avoidant ex too much?

1. You’ve abandoned your own needs

2. You constantly put their needs above yours

3. You suppress your feelings because you’re afraid of pushing an avoidant away

4. You’re constantly feeling anxious

5. Your happiness entirely depends on them

6. You feel neglected, unappreciated and unwanted most of the time

7. You drop everything and/or cancel prior commitments to be with them

8. You have no boundaries

9. You allow bad behaviour and ill-treatment

10. You’ve put your dreams and goals on hold

11. You’re constantly thinking of them and/or have obsessive thoughts about them

12. You’re consistently monitoring a change in their mood or responsiveness

13. You have sex with them even when you don’t want to because you think it’ll make the two of you closer.

14. You constantly have a feeling of dread and it’s worse when they don’t respond or seem distant

15. You us protest behaviour to get their attention

There are many more sings that you love your avoidant ex a little too much.

If every time you reach out, ask a question or ask to meet with your avoidant ex they act like you are bothering them, you might want to look at 1) the way you are going about showing them that you love them and/or 2) the way you are reacting to an avoidant ex’s rejection.

You may discover that the way your avoidant is is acting towards you has nothing to do with you reaching out, asking questions or wanting to meet but everything to do with them being triggered by what happened in the relationship, things that made them feel smothered, suffocated, controlled, trapped.

RELATED:

Why A Fearful Avoidant Dumper’s Feelings Fade Away

Why Avoidant Ex Doesn’t Want A Relationship (What to Do)

How To Stop Self-Abandoning And Over-Giving To Avoidant Ex

6 Post Breakup Protest Behaviours That Push Avoidants Away

What To Do When An Avoidant Ex Pushes You Away

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