Fearful Avoidants Who ‘Leave’ But Don’t Actually Leave

Fearful avoidants have a tendency of saying things that don’t match their actions, and they also have a tendency of saying two conflicting things at the same time.

One moment you are the love of their life, the next you are the worst thing that happened to them. Then you are the love of their life again.

This can be very confusing because people usually don’t say “You are the love of their life” unless they mean it, and they also don’t say “You are the worst thing that happened to me” unless they mean it.

With fearful avoidants however, both statements can actually be true at the same time.

They can genuinely feel like you are the love of their life when their anxious side is activated and genuinely feel like you are the worst thing that ever happened to them when their avoidant side is activated.

For you it feels confusing and even destabilizing but for them, their internal state can shift depending on which part of their attachment system is activated.

The two opposing attachment systems make both experiences feel equally real, even though they are contradictory.

This same contradiction in their opposing attachment systems also explains why some fearful avoidants end the relationship but don’t actually leave.

Broken up but not broken enough to fully end the relationship

Ending the relationship but not actually leaving is more a fearful avoidant than a dismissive avoidant thing.

Dismissive avoidants are more decisive even when they do not actually want to end the relationship. They may struggle with the decision, question whether they are doing the right thing, or continue having feelings for their partner, but once they decide to end the relationship, they are generally more likely to follow through with the separation.

Anxiously attached people are also known for ending relationships but not leaving, but there is usually a different dynamic behind it. The ending of the relationship can become a threat or ultimatum intended to get reassurance, a response, or some kind of change from their partner. They may say they want to leave because they feel hurt, neglected, or uncertain about the relationship, while hoping their partner will respond by reassuring them, pursuing them, or addressing whatever they feel is missing.

Fearful avoidants can tell you they want to break up because they feel overwhelmed or unsure about the relationship, but then continue acting like a partner after the breakup. They may keep contacting you, want to see you, remain affectionate and physically intimate, talk about personal things, seek your comfort or companionship, or continue involving you in their life. The relationship has technically ended, but their behaviour continues to maintain the connection.

What is really going on that they can’t leave

The way to understand this is understanding a fearful avoidants complicated way of dealing with separation.

1. Ending a relationship is a decision, but separation is a process

A fearful avoidant may be able to decide that the relationship needs to end and even communicate that decision clearly, while still having difficulty separating emotionally from an ex.

Rather than creating a clean separation, the attachment system continues to respond to the presence, absence, availability or unavailability of an ex even when the relationship itself is no longer functioning or wanted.

And because the attachment system is still active, a fearful avoidant may continue finding reasons to maintain some form of connection. It doesn’t mean they changed their mind and want to stay, it just means the decision to leave has not quite caught up with the internal shift from “this person is someone I am attached to and have a relationship with” to “this person is no longer a significant person in my life.”

2. Separation triggers both their anxious side and avoidant side

This is what make fearful avoidants different from the other three attachment styles that are considered “organized” attachment styles.

The other attachment styles generally have a more consistent way of responding to separation. An anxiously attached person is likely to move toward the attachment figure. A dismissive avoidant is more likely to move away and suppress or downregulate the need for connection. A securely attached person can tolerate the separation while maintaining a sense of connection and confidence that the relationship still exists even when the other person is not immediately available.

A fearful avoidant can experience both anxiety and avoidance at once.

Separation activates the anxious side that wants to maintain the attachment while simultaneously activating the avoidant side that wants to distance themselves from the attachment and the threat it creates.

This is what makes separation particularly difficult for a fearful avoidant. They end the relationship without being able to fully disengage from the attachment, leaving them caught between moving toward the person and moving away from them.

The impact being broken up with but not really left has on an ex

For the person on the receiving end, this can be particularly destabilizing because you are told the relationship is over, but their behaviour makes it difficult to psychologically adjust to the reality that the relationship has ended.

This can leave you psychologically suspended between two realities.

You cannot fully grieve or move on because there’s always that the possibility at the back of your mind that the relationship may not really be over.

But you also cannot comfortably relax in the connection because they have already said you are broken up. You may appreciate them reaching out and enjoy the time you send together, but you cannot fully relax into the connection because you know that, technically, you are broken up.

Over time, this can make you start questioning not only what they want, but whether you can trust them at all because when someone’s words and actions repeatedly contradict each other, it becomes difficult to know what is real, what you can rely on, and whether you can trust what they say or do.

Can you stabilize this kind of dynamic?

This is the part I find hardest to explain to my clients because I know it’s not something they may want to hear.

You cannot stabilize this dynamic by trying harder, loving better, or being more patient because the instability isn’t coming from a lack of connection, feelings or even attraction. It’s coming from within a fearful avoidant.

You can create a relationship that is calmer, more consistent and easier to stay connected to, but you can not resolve their internal conflict around attachment itself. They have to become increasingly able to tolerate the very experiences that create the internal conflict.

That is why the question is not simply whether they love you. They may genuinely love you and still care about you even if they’re ending the relationship. The more important question is whether they can resolve their conflicting thoughts, feelings and attachment needs without needing to breakup every time they feel conflicted.

This is their work to do, but this doesn’t mean waiting for them to change or feeling stuck between their wanting to leave but not leaving, or in an “almost back together” situationship-like relationship.

You can understand why they are struggling and still decide that being with someone who is unable to make a clear decision about the relationship is not something you are willing to continue. That decision does not require you to stop loving them or to decide that what you had was not real.

Or, if you still want the relationship, you can decide what you need in order to remain in it and communicate those needs clearly. You can allow also them to time to work through their conflict without it becoming your reason for remaining in an indefinite, uncertain situation.

RELATED:

When An Avoidant Wants to Leave – How to Securely Respond

“We’re Not Compatible”: What a Fearful Avoidant Really Means

Did Avoidant Ex Lie About Not Wanting A Relationship?