Fearful Avoidant Came Back But Won’t Make It Official

Question: We’re both fearful avoidants, he leans dismissive and I lean anxious. I always thought I was anxious because I get really clingy but after reading your blog, I took a test and tested FA. I also thought he was dismissive but everything you write about FAs points to him being FA lean DA. We broke up because as I said I get clingy. We connected deeply and get along great until he travels, ee travels a lot for work weeks at a time. I read in your article that fearful avoidants deactivate when they travel or on a trip away from you and this is what he does. He doesn’t communicate or respond for days and I get anxious and clingy which makes him lean more dismissive. We both have ended the relationship a few times but after only a few days of not speaking regretted the breakup and we get back together. This last time he ended it and we didn’t speak for 6 weeks. I told him we both needed space because I didn’t want to repeat the same cycle of breaking up and getting back together a few days later. He said he agreed.

After 6 weeks, I reached out and he responded positively. I told him I missed him and he said he missed me too. We’ve been texting everyday several times a day and  spend a lot of time together. We spent the last weekend together and got back together. But he doesn’t want to make it official. He wants to wait a few months before we can tell friends and family that we are back together. My worry is that even if he came back, him not wanting to make things official gives him room to back off at anytime, and I can see it’s starting to make me avoidant. Some days I think I don’t think want to get back together and that this will end badly. Is this common with two FA exes and how to I handle the situations?

Yangki’s Answer:  You did the right thing breaking the cycle of breaking up and getting back together a few days later. You also did it the mature and secure way communicating why you needed space and recognizing that you both needed it.

Is it common for FA ex to come back but doesn’t want to make it official? Yes, it is common for fearful avoidants to come back but hold off making things official. One, because telling friends and family makes too real and also makes it hard to change one’s mind without coming across as the “bad guy” in the relationship.

Being a fearful avoidant you know that changing your mind back and forth is a part of the disorganized way your attachment style seeks closeness. Most fearful avoidants expect to change their mind immediately after making a decision or at some point, and it’s scary knowing that you might change your mind because you don’t trust yourself to make the best decisions for yourself.

The other side of the coin is that being with someone who expects to change their mind at some point can make you guarded and even not want to go ahead with their decision. This too is common in relationships were both people are fearful avoidants. One gets anxious as the other gets avoidant and the other way around. When trying to get back together the same dynamic happens where one fearful avoidant wants to get back together and the other doesn’t, then the one who wanted to get back together doesn’t want to get back together, and the one who didn’t want to get back together wants to get back together. Complicated, I know. But that’s the dance when two fearful avoidants get together. You’d think it’d be easier for two people with the same fearful avoidant attachment style.

The fact that you are afraid that things will end badly is more reason for the two of you to delay making things official. My advice is:

1) Explore if there are any possible reasons why he might change his mind and why you think things might not end well. You may be surprised to find that while you have a deep connection and get along well, him travelling and you getting clingy might not be the only reason you’ve broken up a few times. There may be other unaddressed problems, but because you are both fearful avoidants you are avoiding those difficult conversations.

2) Agree on when you will go official and tell friends and family that you are back together. It doesn’t have to be a fixed date, but a timeline you can both look forward to and helps you move forward with some degree of reassurance. You can even agree on when to have just a conversation only about if you are ready to go official.

The other side of the story is that you didn’t say if you were officially a couple before the breakup or if you are in a situationship, or been together for years as exclusive but not officially a couple. If you were not officially a couple before the breakup, in a no-label relationship or are in a situationship, it changes the advice above about going official after getting back together.

Your fearful avoidant ex may just be against giving the relationship a label or making things “official” and this is not only about making it official that you are back together.

RELATED:

Why Avoidants Don’t Want You To Call A Situationship Dating

Avoidant Situationship Dynamic: Intentional or Convenience

Do Avoidant Situationships Ever Become A Relationship?