Anyone who has ever loved a dismissive avoidant and got dumped by a dismissive avoidant, or was the dumper has at one point or other wondered how dismissive avoidants feel after a break-up. It’s hard to imagine what someone who acts like they don’t care about you; never talks about how they feel and seems to “just move on” like the break-up never happened feels after a break-up.
Do dismissive Avoidants hurt after a break-up?
Yes, they do. Break-ups hurt regardless of your attachment style. It’s normal to expect that “normal” people, if they cared or loved someone should feel at least some degree of pain or hurt, and struggle emotionally. But if you have an anxious attachment break-ups are really hard. Relationships are a priority to people with an anxious attachment and and when one ends, you literally fall apart. Even doing everyday things like get up in the morning, eat, wash, go to work, or sleep are a struggle.
Dismissive avoidants hurt after a break-up but because dismissive avoidants often don’t form attachments or strong bonds with their relationship partners, and do not “lose themselves” in relationships, their hurt after a break-up may not be as deep as other attachment styles.
In addition, dismissive avoidants handle their hurt differently from other attachment styles because of their ability to compartmentalize and carry on with life like nothing happened. It’s not even clear if dismissive avoidants process break-ups at all, and there’s no scientific research to back up “the stages a dismissive avoidant goes through after a break-up”.
How do dismissive avoidants feel after a break-up?
Many dismissive avoidants feel relieved when a relationship ends. They struggle so much being in relationship, so when it ends, they feel relief from the stress of trying to be in a relationship. But there are just as many dismissive avoidants, if not more, who feel anger towards an ex after a break-up. They may feel that they made an effort to be a good partner but whatever they did just wasn’t enough or good enough. They blame their ex for what they feel they endured or for not appreciating them enough.
Many exes have been on the receiving end of a dismissive avoidant ex’s anger soon after a break-up, and it’s brutal. When a dismissive avoidant ex lashes out, they lash out hard; they’re cold, emotionless, mean and can be very hurtful in both words and actions. So the notion that dismissive avoidants feel elated and giddy after a break-up isn’t always true.
Do dismissive avoidants feel regret after the break-up?
Yes. Some dismissive avoidants feel regret the break-up as soon as it happens, especially if they had formed some form of attachment. Some dismissive avoidants try to get back together right after the break-up and other’s offer a friendship out of regret. Most f the time however, a dismissive avoidant ex’s regret is not “I wish we were still together” but more like “I wish this didn’t happen.” And believe it or not, there are dismissive avoidants who feel really bad for hurting someone who cared for them and tried to love them but found it too hard.
Many dismissive avoidants know they’re “not easy to love”. Even dismissive avoidants who aren’t that self-aware deep inside know “something is not right” about their relationships. Some dismissive avoidants will even tell you they’re “difficult” to be in a relationship with. At times, a dismissive avoidant will warn you that they will hurt you or break your heart even before the relationship begins. It’s happened so many times before and they expect it to happen again.
Dismissive avoidants who are more self-aware often hurt after a break-up because they hurt themselves, again. They tried and failed yet again.
Dismissive avoidants also feel numb after a break-up
There are dismissive avoidant who go numb after the break-up – no feelings of relief, anger, regret, hurt etc. Nothing but complete numbness. Some dismissive avoidants I’ve talked to say the reason they part too much, drink too much or immediately get into a new relationship soon after a break-up is not because they feel relieved or elated that they relationship ended. It’s because they feel nothing and are trying to feel something.
Hopefully this will help you understand your dismissive avoidant ex a little better, how they’re hurting or not hurting, and how they feel after the break-up.