Do Dismissive Avoidant Exes Forget You After The Breakup?

With all the information out there about dismissive avoidants being euphoric and ecstatic when a relationship ends, it’s easy to see why many people trying to get back a dismissive avoidant often wonder if dismissive avoidants miss their exes.

Dismissive avoidant exes miss you whether they are the dumper or you broke up with them

Some dismissive avoidants miss their ex just after breaking up with them (or at least miss the attachment resources their ex provided) and others miss you many months after the breakup. What is true about dismissive avoidants in general is that they miss you, but it’s not all the time. Most of the time, they miss you then forget about you, then miss you again.

There are two reasons for this:

1) A dismissive avoidant is “out of sight out of mind” attachment style

A dismissive avoidant attachment style isn’t exactly mushy and sentimental type. Instead, it’s very much “out of sight out of mind” attachment style.

Dismissive avoidants learned early in life to effectively suppress all unwanted thoughts and feelings. Their coping mechanism helps them temporally and sometimes permanently forget things they don’t want to feel or think about. After the breakup, dismissive avoidants suppress feelings and thoughts of you to a point that a dismissive avoidant  ex can even go for weeks without thinking about you and only starts thinking of you when they’re reminded of you – e.g. receive a text from you, hear about you or run into you.

A text from you, hearing about you or running into you brings to the surface the feelings and thoughts of you they’ve suppressed and buried so deep, and in that moment you’re in a dismissive avoidant mind and they miss you. But because missing someone is an uncomfortable feelings for dismissive avoidants, they quickly push down the uncomfortable feeling and “forget” about you again until something else happens that causes them to think of you and miss you.

This is also true of fearful avoidants who lean very avoidant and even dismissive after the breakup. They don’t allow themselves to sit in the uncomfortable feeling of missing or needing someone. All the images you have in your head of a dismissive avoidant sitting there lonely, thinking about the positives of the relationship and missing you, is your anxious attachment being sentimental and romanticizing a dismissive avoidant attachment.

2) Dismissive avoidants only allow themselves very brief moments to miss you

In some rare cases, a dismissive avoidants will check your social media because they’re thinking of you and missing you, but they will not reach out because:

1) Dismissive avoidants only allow themselves very brief moments (of discomfort) thinking about you and missing you.

2) To a dismissive avoidant reaching out to an ex is admitting that they’re not as independent as they think they’re because they need others, and most dismissive avoidant can’t allow that.

Once in a while dismissive avoidants allow themselves to feel the need for someone and that’s when you see them reach out randomly out of the blue, but the reach out is stripped off all emotion or feeling. They will reach out with something about work, family, an interest or hobby, politics, what’s on the new or a joke or humour, but no “I was thinking of you” or “I miss you” or even “This reminded me of you”. That’s way too much sentimentalism and/or vulnerability for a dismissive avoidant.

If you respond with “I was thinking of you” or “I miss you” or even “This reminded me of you”, most dismissive avoidants will not respond or try to redirect the conversation away from talking about feelings e.g. make a joke or some smart Alec comment. This doesn’t mean that a dismissive avoidant doesn’t care or that you that you didn’t mean anything to them. Even dismissive avoidants who have a strong attachment to an ex and still have feelings for them and even think that at some point they may be ready to give the relationship another chance don’t say “I’m thinking of you” or “I miss you”, which to them equates to “I need you.”.

If you want a dismissive avoidant back you’re going to have to reach out

So yes, dismissive avoidants miss their exes, but they often don’t do anything about. This is the same way they’re in relationships. They have feelings for someone but don’t say they do or do anything about it which leaves their partners feeling like a dismissive avoidant doesn’t care.

And if there is one thing to be said about a dismissive avoidant attachment style, it’s that it’s consistently avoidant. This is why it’s called an organized avoidant attachment style as opposed to a fearful avoidant attachment style that is disorganized and swings from anxious to avoidant.

A dismissive avoidant isn’t going to suddenly change their avoidant behaviour after the breakup. They’re not going to suddenly start texting you nonstop because they miss you or start romanticizing and daydreaming about you.

Based on these facts about a dismissive avoidant attachment:

1) Don’t bank your chances on a dismissive avoidant reaching out because they missed you. If a dismissive avoidant ex reaches out to you, it’s because they want to and not because “feelings of missing you” drove them to. You likely made an impact into their life that they want to see if you can continue to be in each other’s life, and this is how you should treat a dismissive avoidant’s initial reach out after the breakup. Don’t think, “Oh, they reached out, they must miss me and want me back”; you’re going to get your heart broken all over.

2) If you want to get back together with a dismissive avoidant, you’re going to reach out. You’re also going to be the one to keep reaching out and trying to get conversations going for a while; or at least until a dismissive avoidant allows themselves to start feeling something again.

RELATED:

What Are A Dismissive Avoidant Break Up Stages?

When Do Dismissive Avoidants Begin Longing For Ex?

Why No Contact Doesn’t Work With A Dismissive Avoidant Ex

Do Dismissive Avoidants End Up Alone And Lonely?

Why A Dismissive Avoidant Ex Reaching Out Is A Big Deal

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