The vast majority of individuals who reach out to me for help with attracting back their avoidant ex are more focused on what their ex is doing, how it affects them and why their ex needs to change rather than what they themselves can do differently.
Study after study has shown that people with mild or acute anxiety tend to look at what is negative and threatening more quickly and for longer than people who are not perceiving a situation through an anxious lens. These biases often reinforce negative thought patterns and distorted reality, and can lead to misguided actions.
This has serious consequences when you are trying to attract back your ex, especially if you are not consciously aware that you are perceiving things differently and reacting to your perception of reality rather than what is actually happening.
While it is normal from time-to-time to experience anxiety when trying to attract back your ex, attachment anxiety makes it more difficult to distinguish between an ex’s words and actions that do not necessarily pose threat to your chances of getting back together, and emotionally-charged reactions and responses that threaten your chances.
If you can’t perceptually tell what is “normal ex behaviour” and what is a threat to getting back together, it makes sense that you feel anxious and worried when things are vague, uncertain or unknown, and even when it is obvious that there’s nothing to worry about.
It also makes sense that you are driven to say and do things to eliminate what you perceive as a threat or decrease the potential bad effects of something you can’t control, only to end up creating more anxiety and worry.
I am a neutral observer in this process, but more importantly, I do not wear anxiety lenses.
This frees me from attaching meaning to everything your ex says or does, and leading your down a rabbit hole of denial or negativity.
I am not only able to point out the limiting ways in which you are attaching distorted meaning to what is happening, I also bring your attention to the the hard facts, the present moment and the most immediate actions that increase your chances of attracting back your ex.
More importantly, as a neutral and independent observer, I am not on any “side”. The only side I am on is on the side of love and your relationship.
I do my best to understand your relationship and attachment dynamics and keep you grounded so you are not focusing on all the negative things (about your ex or what’s happening) and as a result not paying attention to the positive things your ex says or does.
I also make sure that you are intentional in your words and actions in a way that actually improves the dynamics of your relationship. And when you’re having a strong emotional reaction to something your ex says or does, I help bring your focus back to the bigger picture and end game.
- Re-open lines of communication
- Write an effective break-up acceptance text (or email)
- Strengthen emotional connection
- Improve your texts/emails for better responses
- Communicate your feelings effectively
- Ask your ex out (face-to-face meetings)
- Rebuild trust
- Show you have changed
- Set the pace and take things slow
- Create momentum… and more.
I try as much as time allows to be the secure base support that is consistently available to you in a meaningful and authentic way through phone sessions and email coaching. My personal belief is that if I can accurately reflect back to you your emotional experience in a way that makes you feel understood and safe to reach out, connect and engage your ex in a positive way, and with the work you are doing on yourself, you will be less anxious and freer to experiment your new behaviours and a securely attached way of relating with your ex.