How Long Exes Remain Attached After The Breakup

Attachment to an ex is only halfway dissolved after 4.18 years and fully gone around 8 years after the breakup according to a March 2025 study published in Social Psychological and Personality Science.

The study made headlines because of it’s unusual finding because when we think of how long it takes to break romantic attachment bonds with an ex, most of us think months or a year at most. We think that as we heal from the breakup reminders of an ex no longer generate an intense feelings. That’s the word on the street and what most of us expect.

But according to the study, it can take up to 8 years for an attachment to an ex to be truly gone.

Yes, 8 years! This is surprisingly long, but given that childhood attachment experiences have life-long neurological imprint on the brain that mirror those of drug addiction, eight years doesn’t seem so long.

But there is an important distinction that often gets lost when this research is discussed:

• Taking years for an attachment bond to dissolve does not mean it takes eight years to “get over” an ex.
• It also does not mean that someone who still feels attached to an ex after eight years secretly wants to get back together.
• And most importantly, the existence of an attachment bond does not tell you whether an ex will come back.

What did the study actually find?

“Attachment taking years to dissolve” is not the same as “taking years to get over an ex”

Many “get your ex back” coaches have taken the study’s finding about attachment taking years to dissolve and turned it into a claim about how long it really takes an ex to “get over you.”

That is not what the study found.

The study looked at how long the attachment bond between former partners can take to fade. It did not measure how long it takes someone to get over an ex, stop loving them, stop thinking about them, or stop wanting the relationship back.

Those are different things.

Someone can still have some attachment to an ex while having completely moved on from the relationship. They may no longer want to get back together, may be in another relationship, and may have built a completely different life.

So when you see claims that “it takes 8 years to get over an ex,” that is an oversimplification of what the research actually found.

Why attachment lasts after the relationship has ended

One reason is that attachment is not simply a switch that turns off when a relationship ends.

During a relationship, another person can become associated with security, familiarity, emotional support, routines, memories, and an important part of your life.

Ending the relationship removes the romantic relationship, but it does not instantly erase all of those emotional imprints and associations.

• Over time, an ex can become less central.
• They stop being someone you turn to.
• You no longer expect them to be part of your future.
• Their absence become normal rather than painful.

Eventually, they can become someone who was once extremely important but is no longer psychologically central to your life. This gradual process is what this study helps illuminate.

Can an ex come back after 8 years?

Yes, people can reconnect after many years apart. But this study does not show that waiting eight years gives you a better chance of getting an ex back.

What it does show is that the psychological bond created by a significant romantic relationship can be surprisingly persistent, but it does not say whether an ex will come back.

This is where the study becomes particularly interesting for people wondering if an ex is still attached to you or if they’ll come back many years later after a breakup.

• An ex could still have an attachment to you years later and never contact you.
• They could think about you occasionally and still believe the breakup was the right decision.
• They could care about you while being happy in another relationship.
• They could miss aspects of the relationship without wanting the relationship back.
• They could even still have strong feelings for you and decide that getting back together would not work.

Still being attached simply means that the person continues to have some emotional connection to you. It does not automatically mean they want to get back together, that they are waiting for you, or that they will eventually come back.

So the claim by some “get your ex back” coaches that that even if your ex seems completely done with the relationship, they are secretly still attached and that enough time apart will eventually make them come back is merely a selling point for no contact; one that keeeps many people stuck in false hope.

The study does not say that staying away from your ex for eight years will cause them to miss you, that an ex will eventually reach out once their attachment has had enough time to fade, or that attachment naturally turns into a desire to reconcile.

In fact, the research tells us very little about whether former partners actually get back together. It was looking at the attachment bond itself, not whether that bond eventually led to renewed contact or a romantic relationship.

Using the eight-year finding as evidence that “no contact works because your ex will remain attached to you for years” goes well beyond what the research can tell us.

What the research actually tells us about continued contact

One particularly interesting finding from the study was that continued contact with an ex was associated with the attachment bond lasting longer.

This gives us some useful context for the eight-year figure.

Attachment does not exist completely separately from what happens after a breakup. If two people continue talking, seeing each other, supporting each other, or staying involved in each other’s lives, there are more opportunities for that connection to remain part of their lives.

This does not mean that continued contact stops someone from moving on. Someone can maintain contact with an ex while accepting that the romantic relationship is over and moving forward with their life.

It simply suggests that when you continue having a “relationship” of some kind with an ex, the attachment bond may remain active for longer than it would if the connection completely disappeared.

And, once again, remaining attached is not the same as wanting the relationship back. Two people can stay emotionally connected to each other for years without ever becoming a couple again.

What the study can tell you about an ex after many years

This is perhaps the biggest takeaway.

If you’re wondering if your ex is still attached to you or whether they’ve completely detached, this research provides one useful piece of information: Time alone does not necessarily erase an attachment bond quickly.

The fact that someone still has some attachment to an ex years later is therefore not as unusual as people might assume.

But the research does not provide a way to determine whether that attachment is romantic, whether the ex wants to reunite, or whether they will eventually come back.

That’s because attachment, love and wanting a romantic relationship are related but completely different.

The attachment bond answers something closer to: “Does this person still have psychological significance to me?”

Love is about caring deeply about the person and their wellbeing, valuing them as a person, and wanting good things for them.

Reconciliation requires a very different question: “Do both people want to rebuild a romantic relationship, and are the circumstances and relationship dynamics capable of supporting it?”

Those are not the same thing. Someone can still be attached to an ex without wanting a romantic relationship with them, love an ex without wanting to get back together, or want to rebuild the relationship even when the relationship would need significant changes to work.

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