Question: What are some of the signs I should be looking at to tell me an avoidant is lying about seeing someone else?
I read many of your articles about FAs and they’re he most accurate in my experience with FAs. My FA ex ended things 4 months, but we’ve been able to maintain contact and text almost everyday. Recently I noticed she’s been distant and asked if she was seeing anyone and she denied it. She got very defensive and angry, and we didn’t speak for a couple of days. She says she’s not dating anyone else but I’m convinced there is someone else. I’m honestly fine with it if there is someone new and don’t understand why she can’t just be honest about it. Just find her reaction very weird. What are some of the signs I should be looking at to tell me an avoidant is lying about seeing someone else?
Yangki’s Answer: Your instincts may be right that there is someone else. People often get angry and defensive when they are hiding something, and not every ex is honest about being in a new relationship. Some exes don’t tell you they are dating again because they’re not sure if the new relationship is going anywhere. Others think it’s none of your business. You are broken up, and they can see whoever they want to see whether you are fine with it or not. You are asking them to be honest with you is acting like they owe you something.
To answer your question, yes there are signs an avoidant is lying about seeing someone else, and here are 20 of them.
1. Change in appearance – Your ex’s new look may be to impress you, but if they care more or talk more about what other people say about how they look than what you think, then the new appearance is likely to impress someone else.
2. Unusually upbeat – They seem really happy and always in a good mood but doesn’t want to share why or are very vague about details.
3. Reaches out less and less – One sign things are progressing with an ex is contact progressively increases, but if contact is progressively decreasing and it takes longer and longer for your ex to respond to texts, there is a chance your ex is seeing someone else and their needs for connection and relationship are being met by that person.
4. Doesn’t respond certain times or days – There’s a pattern of time of the day or days of the week when they’re unavailable and unresponsive
5. Evasive answers – When you ask if they’re seeing someone else, most people give a firm yes or no answer. An ex lying will be evasive and may even turn the question back to you without answering.
6. Asks you about your dating life – It’s normal for exes to ask each other about the others’ dating life but if your ex asks about your dating life but is secretive about theirs, it’s likely there is someone they’re particularly interested in.
7. Easily irritable – They seem impatient and irritable, pick fights over minor things that didn’t matter before, and every now and then say mean things about your appearance, personality, job etc.
8. Unusually active on social media – They’re more active on social media than they’ve been before (or ever been) and mostly posting photos of themselves and talking themselves up to appear more attractive.
9. Block you – They block you from texting them and/or on social media for no reason at all. You try to contact them and you’ve been blocked, unfollowed or unfriended (or all).
10. Has a new friend (or friends) – Your ex has a new friend or hangs out with a group of new friends with no specific names or genders.
11. Following a new person on Instagram – They’re following a new person on Instagram and reacting to their stories often, and really seem so interested in them.
12. Mentions someone frequently- Your ex says it’s just someone they know and there is nothing going on between them but this one person keeps popping up in your ex’s social media posts or text and even in-person conversations (sometimes out of the blue).
13. Overly overprotective – They’re overly protective of someone new or an ex and seem to particularly reactive, or too defensive when they’re mentioned. They may also ignore any and all reference to them.
14. Avoids your friends or family – They just don’t avoid your friends and family and people who know the two of you were together, they also unfollow or unfriends your friends and family.
15. Doesn’t invite you to their place – Your ex is okay with coming to your place but they never invite you to their place anymore.
16. Distracted – Your ex is seems distracted when talking to you and when you are together in person they keep checking their phone but pretends not be distracted.
17. Avoids meeting in person – They’re comfortable texting, flirting or sexting but won’t meet in person. They give you excuses, arrange to meet in coming weeks or months but when the time comes, they’ve another excuse or cancel.
18. Travelling – They’re suddenly travelling more often and seems spontaneously. Every week or other week they’re travelling and sometimes don’t even tell you unless you ask.
19. Avoids physical contact – They sit further away from you and when you touch them or your body comes in contact with theirs, they pull away or find a way to create distance with objects.
20. Sex is different – It just is.